Thursday 11 December 2014 Juliet Brando

BBC to bring in extra props for Brand vs Farage battle


Brand Farage on Question Time

Denying accusations of ‘dumbing down’, the BBC will be supplying pedestals and padded pugil sticks for tonight’s debate in Canterbury between UKIP’s Nigel Farage and comedian Russell Brand.

In a surprise change of format, Question Time will supply its guests with equipment from ITV’s Gladiators, kept in storage in Birmingham since 1999 and assembled especially for this evening’s panel.

“Brand is a hypocrite,” said conservative blogger and audience member, Titterley Spiven.

“He can’t go bitching about the housing bubble and all that poverty stuff when he has possessions and lives indoors! I hope Farage twats him round the head with a big foam ball.”

Nigel Farage is optimistic ahead of his 73rd appearance on Question Time this year.

“As long as there aren’t any immigrants blocking the M2 and the gays keep their weather-bombing out of Kent, I should nail it,” he told reporters.

“Why do I have to wear this outfit?” asked Conservative minister Penny Mordaunt.

“And these pom poms. Why the pom poms?”

Farage vs Brand

Labour’s shadow international development secretary Mary Creagh looked resolute in her spandex leotard.

“Since Russell Brand invented voter apathy, it’s been chaos at home. My daughter took down all her favourite Ed Miliband posters. Even the sexy one.”

“My son used to have polling booth parties with his friends where they’d pretend to cast votes and count them up. Now they just sit around instead.”

“All the young people had polling booth parties until Brand came along,” growled Times columnist Camilla Cavendish from inside padded armour, a cycle helmet and a large metal hamster ball.

“Let me at that scruffy fucker.”

When asked about recent media criticism, Brand answered enigmatically, stretching his arms wide and raising his bearded face to the lighting rig.

“We are but swirling dust particles in an infinite Universe of… FUCK! Farage is on the Travelator! He’s on the bastard Travelator already, the cheating, toad-faced shit!”

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