Friday 5 December 2014 by Juliet Brando

Chancellor denies spending NHS budget on ‘cocaine and kinky porn binge’


Osborne binge

George Osborne’s wide-eyed, bed-headed appearance at PMQs last Wednesday fuelled speculation about drug use, and his odd behaviour during Wednesday’s Autumn Statement sparked further rumours.

At one point, he bent over and stuck his rear in the air. Both the Prime Minister and Shadow Chancellor exchanged coded jibes about whips and “maso-sadism”.

“It’s been a tough week for gents like us,” said Girth Lambrini, a broker at Darbunkle and Chapps in the City of London.

“If you like videos of dominant ladies, you’ll have downloaded everything you could before it disappeared. I didn’t sleep for six days.”

Since December 1st, UK pornography has been subject to new restrictions.

Material such as face-sitting, bondage, caning, female ejaculation and ball-busting is now prohibited, leading to accusations that the law discriminates against “dominatrix” content.

“All the good sites got taken down,” sniffed Mr Lambrini. “We knew they’d be gone by Monday. Poor Georgie. I heard he’d panicked and filled all GCHQ’s hard drive capacity in one night.”

Several years ago, a photograph surfaced showing George Osborne at a party with dominatrix Natalie Rowe and what was alleged to be a line of cocaine.

Rowe’s autobiography “Chief Whip” contained many allegations about the young Osborne and his wealthy pals indulging in hard drugs and sadomasochism.

Girth Lambrini claims to have met up with the Chancellor for a snifter this evening.

“I shook him and said ‘Georgie, you told the House you’d give that 2 billion to the NHS, but you spent it downloading the entire archive of Lady Whipsmack’s Punishment Chamber, Strap-On Surprises and The Spanky Glove Hole when you were off your tits on coke!'”

The Treasury denied these allegations, but agreed that Mr Osborne is a very bad boy.

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