Wednesday 3 December 2014 by Gary Stanton

James Nesbitt to solve Madeleine McCann case ‘within a week’


James Nesbitt The Missing

UK police have enlisted tough-guy actor James Nesbitt to help solve the Madeleine McCann case by beating the shit out of all the suspects.

Nesbitt became an expert in unsolved child murders while filming ITV series “The Missing” in which he gets to duff a lot of people – mainly perverts – up.

Nesbitt said, “First I had a chat with Maddie’s Dad Gerry McCann. Seemed like a decent guy, so I followed him into the toilets, thrust his head into the wash basin and kicked him repeatedly in the bollocks.”

“He was adamant he had nothing to do with her disappearance so that pretty much rules him out.”

“Before losing consciousness, Gerry mentioned something about a guy called Alonso who runs a tapas bar so I tracked him down to his yacht where he was nervously holding a camcorder.”

“Turns out he was once a school caretaker, which is code for nonce, so I bludgeoned him with a fire extinguisher, wrapped him in a main-sail with some breeze blocks and chucked him overboard.”

“I shudder to think what was on that camcorder.”

“It’s ok – the wife has given me an alibi.”

Nesbitt to solve case

After watching Nesbitt’s performance in the ITV drama, thirty former Radio One DJs voluntarily wandered into the Praia de Luz Police station, each declaring that they were there on the night Madeline McCann was abducted.

Head of the UK investigation, Simon Williams, said, “We’d pretty much exhausted all leads and we’re about to search the McCann’s car again – this time with sniffer dogs – when I saw James giving these pervs a work over on ITV.”

“I’m convinced we’ll have this solved before the week’s out.”

Nesbitt concluded, “Violence and intimidation is the only language these perverts understand.”

“Well, that and Portuguese.”

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