Monday 1 December 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Free sweets for all, pledges Cameron


Cameron election pledge

The Government has pledged that everyone will get free sweets if they win the next election.

“No ifs, and no buts,” said the Prime Minister on the Andrew Marr show yesterday.

“The Conservative party will give you all free sweets.”

The free sweets pledge follows on from pledges to spend 2 billion pounds on the NHS and 15 million pounds on new roads. This has prompted accusations of electoral bribery from the opposition.

“Nonsense,” said Mr Cameron.

“It’s a coincidence that there’s an election in a few months and I would definitely be giving away free sweets even if there wasn’t.”

Government election promise

The opposition was quick to react to the prime minister’s announcement with pledges of their own.

“Well yes, the Labour party would give everyone sweets as well, didn’t we mention that?” insisted Ed Miliband.

“Because we would. And we’d take them away. From people who didn’t deserve them, that is. But everyone does deserve them…except immigrants, I don’t think we like them this week.”

The public reaction has been broadly welcoming of the new policy.

“Yeah, it’s good,” said lifelong fat person Simon Williams.

“I mean, I’d have probably voted Tory anyway, but if there’s a curly-wurly in it, I’m definitely in.”

It is unknown exactly which sweets will constitute the giveaway, although George Osborne has dampened expectation.

“These are still tough times,” he said

“So don’t expect Green & Blacks, but stick with the Tories and we should be able to manage a finger of fudge.”

Which is thought to be the Tory party election slogan.

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