Friday 28 November 2014 by Nathan Adler

UKIP warns of Schrödinger’s immigrant who ‘lazes around on benefits whilst simultaneously stealing your job’


schrodinger's immigrant UKIP

UKIP have updated Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment by insisting that immigrants exist in a state of both lazing around on benefits whilst simultaneously being out there stealing British jobs.

A UKIP spokesman declared the observation true until said immigrant is directly observed, and that there was a dire need for further studies on the phenomenon.

UKIP’s Roy Jenks explained, “These people clearly need further observation. EU bureaucrats in Brussels have somehow introduced ambiguous and confusing red tape that threatens our widely held lazy stereotypes.”

He continued “Some bloke down the pub who knows – for definite – told me that Romanians in particular have been stealing his job, and if that’s not bad enough, they’re also too lazy to work because cause they’re all on the dole.”

Hobbs added,“So it’s tricky.”

“They need to be studied extensively, secure and in isolation for a prolonged period of time for objective results. Many people are surprised how closely these scientific conditions resemble a prison cell in Strangeways.”

Schrödinger’s immigrant

We tried to verify these allegations with several migrant workers, though all claimed to be unable to follow Mr Jenks’ line of thinking.

One worker who wished to remain anonymous stated, “He is stupid prick, yes?”

Local employer Simon Williams said that he fully supported UKIP’s latest thought experiment.

“I employ a couple of Europeans, yes. And sure, they certainly put a shift in when they’re at work.  But they could equally be at home at the same time being lazy and claiming benefits, couldn’t they?”

“I don’t see what the issue is?”

“This UKIP fella ‘Schrödinger’ sounds smart, how can I vote for him?”

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