Thursday 27 November 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Masturbate to keep warm this winter, says Osborne


Osborne urges masturbation

George Osborne has suggested that those concerned about fuel bills this winter should masturbate to keep warm.

“It’s time for innovative solutions,” said the Chancellor.

“Masturbation is something that everyone can do; I do it, the Prime Minister does it, the Deputy Prime Minister does it constantly.”

There are calls each year for Government to help vulnerable people with fuel bills.

“Government handouts for this issue are not the solution, if you’ll pardon the pun,” continued the Chancellor.

“There are many innovative ways to approach the situation, if you’ve an old person next door, why not do it for them and help keep you both warm?”

“If you’re on benefits, perhaps charge a pound to do it for other people? But remember to declare any income, obviously.”

Osborne on winter fuel crisis

The opposition was sceptical of the idea.

“I don’t see how fifteen seconds of frantic waggling can really help,” said Ed Miliband.

But the initiative has been broadly welcomed by the public

“Yeah, I mean, I always try to crack one out before I get out of bed,” said fervent masturbator Simon Williams.

“And, I’ve got to be honest, it does warm me up in the morning.”

The mood was best summed up by Kerry Greene of East Sussex.

“At least the Government’s finally come out and admitted that it’s full of wankers.”

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