Tuesday 18 November 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Facebook to create new ‘workplace network’ for twats


Facebook for busuness network

Facebook is to introduce a new workplace network for people who are ‘in business’.

“We’re largely expecting to attract twats,” explained a Facebook spokesperson.

“It’s a social network specially designed for people who still think blackberries are brilliant and who overuse the word ‘paradigm’.”

People ‘in business’ seemed in favour of the idea.

“I’m sick of looking at funny videos and pictures of babies,” said businessman Simon Williams.

“I want a Facebook that I can do serious business shit on. I made a pie-chart yesterday that was so brilliant it gave me an erection, and I want to share that with people.”

“The pie-chart, not the erection.”

Facebook business network

Facebook plan to create a repository of nineties clip-art and Far-side cartoons for people to use in presentations, and the new network would also automatically reject any uploaded photos showing its users smiling to avoid mistakenly giving the impression they’re not serious about ‘business’.

“I’m a high-functioning sociopath,” said businesswoman, Alex Taylor of Sussex.

“So this is exactly the sort of social network I need to show off my complicated spreadsheets that proved we need to sack the cleaners.”

However, people not ‘in business’ were less excited.

“Haven’t these twats already got LinkedIn?” said Mark Hammond of Reading.

“I mean, that’s already full of idiots talking about Mission statements and ‘growing their business,’ this is just something else I need to avoid.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: