Thursday 13 November 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Miliband better than Cameron at ‘loads of things’


Ed Miliband is good at lots of things

Ed Miliband has come back fighting after a disastrous week of bottoming poll ratings and personal attacks to claim that he is better than the Prime Minister ‘at loads of things’.

“Call of Duty,” said Mr Miliband in an interview with Andrew Marr.

“I’m awesome at that, I get killstreaks all the time.”

It is thought that the leader of the Labour party was perfecting his Call of Duty skills when he should have been responding to the Government’s mishandling of the European Arrest warrant vote, or George Osborne’s claims to have halved a recent EU bill.

“And I can make a brilliant risotto,” continued the Labour leader.

“I bet the Prime Minister would put cream in a risotto but I definitely don’t.”

Despite the new claims, the public remain unconvinced.

“I just want him to make an argument,” said John Greene of Essex.

“We’ve a Government who seems determined to victimise the least well off in society and an opposition that’s terrified of opposing.”

“And I could kick his arse at Call of Duty.”

But the Labour leader continued.

“I can do loads of press-ups, I get all the answers on Pointless, and I’ve kept a Tamagotchi alive for seventeen years, eleven months and twenty-one days.”

The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment as he was having discussions with NATO regarding the Russian incursion into Ukraine.

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