Monday 10 November 2014

Super-obesity not actually a super-power, fat people warned


Super Obesity

Being classified as super-obese is not an invitation to buy a lycra body suit and a cape, Doctors have warned fat people today.

With nearly 40% of under-25s who have weight-loss surgery in the UK classified as super-obese, new figures suggest steps must be taken to prevent them become the worst super-heroes of all time.

Super obese 23 year-old Simon Williams told us, “I’ve seen X-Men, and I now realise that my specific genetic mutation means that I am incredibly efficient at turning deep-pan pizza into excess body fat.”

“I’m not yet sure how that will help me fight crime and save the world, but then again, Wolverine didn’t understand his special powers until Professor Charles Xavier taught him.”

“I’m much the same, it’s becoming clear that my destiny is to meet a wheelchair bound bald guy with telepathic powers to bring out my true potential – and then my super-obesity will be the scourge of all criminals.”

“Well, that or I’ll have chronic heart disease by my early-thirties – I think it’s a toss up.”

Super-obesity crisis

Medical professionals are addressing the crisis by repeatedly explaining that the word ‘super’ isn’t always a superlative.

As one doctor explained, “Yes, with hindsight, classifying those people who have dangerously high levels of body fat as being ‘super-obese’ was a bad decision.”

“I wanted to call it ‘really-fucking-obese’, but I got out-voted at that particular meeting.”

“By a bunch of overweight doctors, funnily enough.”

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