Saturday 8 November 2014

Tesco wondering if George Osborne fancies having a go at their books


Tesco George Osborne finances

Supermarket giant Tesco has asked the government if George Osborne would be free to have a look at their books, after his ‘creative’ presentation of the finances around the latest EU surcharge deal.

The Chancellor has somehow convinced people he has halved the UK’s EU surcharge, despite the country paying exactly the same amount of money in the end – a skill Tesco executives currently embroiled in their own financial difficulties are keen to exploit.

As one insider at the retailer explained, “We’re having a few issues at the moment, that’s true. So anything he could do to help would be greatly appreciated.”

“It’s really very simple. If someone is capable of getting people to pay exactly the same amount they always did for something, but convincing them he’s actually saved them 50%, then we’d really like to talk to them.”

“It’s a technique we’d really like to see him deploy with our customers, obviously.”

“But first of all I’d like him to take a look at our books, see that we’ve made exactly the same amount of money we always said, but somehow report we’ve doubled our profits? That would be most useful.”

“If he could use that same face he did with the EU reporters, where he looks like he genuinely believes what he is saying is true, that would be splendid.”

50% off EU surcharge

The Chancellor’s creative accounting has also led to a number of “50% off everything” stores opening around the country.

New shop owner Simon Williams told us, “Everything is exactly the same price as it was yesterday, we just let you pay for stuff in two halves now.”

“And that’s exactly the same as getting 50% off your bill, according to the Chancellor.”

“Yes it is, shut up.”

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