Thursday 6 November 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

New Microsoft headset to help UKIP voters mark polling card with ‘X’


UKIP microsoft headset

An advanced headset that instructs mentally-challenged UKIP supporters how to mark an ‘X’ on polling cards at the next general election has been developed by Microsoft.

A spokesman for the computing giant, Hilary Trump, stated the company’s belief that it has spotted a niche in the market its competitors had yet to exploit.

She told a gathering of Tech analysts, “What Microsoft have developed here is a product perfectly geared to alleviate the travails of poor unfortunate members of the society who can’t think for themselves.”

“Instead, they spend their days believing things that can simply never work in a modern, civilised society.”

“No, not just those people still using Windows Vista devices, but those members of the British electorate who will be registering a vote in favour of UKIP in 2015.”

“Clearly these people are fundamentally flawed, behind the times and incapable of carrying out the most basic of functions.”

“We feel that giving people that don’t think very well products that don’t work very well makes them the perfect ambassador for any Microsoft product.”

Microsoft also confirmed the software would still have utility for UKIP voters beyond the general election, with additional guides currently being compiled for use with the headset.

“We think that the ‘How to secure your pockets from Romanians’ guide will prove very popular.”

“Not to mention, ‘How to tell convincing lies about immigrants’, which UKIP themselves have been instrumental in preparing.”

“It’s going to be a big product for us, definitely.”

I think, therefore I am (not a UKIP supporter)

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