Wednesday 5 November 2014

UK all set to celebrate night of ‘home grown’ terrorism


Guy Fawkes

The UK is preparing to celebrate an evening of great British terrorism by burning effigies of Guy Fawkes – the country’s most famous terrorist.

Fawkes will appear atop bonfires the length and breadth of the country in a celebration of when Britain led the way in religious maniacs who play with explosives.

As the civilised world cowers from the threat of global terror organisations, the UK will enjoy a night spent extolling the virtues of Guy Fawkes, the man who invented the very genre of domestic terrorism.

“Al Qaeda and Islamic State think they invented religious zealots wanting to blow stuff up?” said one bonfire party planner.

“Not a chance. We Brits were planning world-class explosions four hundred years ago while they were still living in caves.

“Well, worse caves.

“Even now they haven’t found a good way of doing it without blowing themselves up at the same time, the bloody amateurs.”

However, not everyone is planning to spend tonight celebrating the life of Guy Fawkes by burning through fifty quid’s worth of thoroughly disappointing pyrotechnics.

Simon Williams, who is planning to spend the night in front of the television, told us, “Isn’t it just typical of the Brits to celebrate a glorious failure?

“It’s like the country fawning all over Frank Bruno and Tim Henman, except this bloke was rubbish at blowing things up, rather than being rubbish at sport.

“These idiots with the really big fires and expensive fireworks are basically mocking Guy Fawkes for failing, by showing him that ‘THIS is what a proper explosion looks like’.

“It’s like celebrating our glorious recession with ostentatious displays of wealth.  Yet no-one seems to think that’s a good idea – well, apart from the bankers.”

Historians have pointed out that one of the main benefits of this evening is the fact that everyone will probably once again realise just what a truly excellent idea it is to blow up Parliament with everyone inside.

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