Friday 31 October 2014 by Neil Tollfree

New ‘arsehole rating’ labels on alcoholic drinks to be introduced


Alcohol arsehole warnings

Alcoholic drinks will soon feature a new labelling system indicating how much of an arsehole the drinker will become after drinking them.

“There’s an awful lot of confusion about how much of an arsehole one becomes when drunk,” said Mark Hammond, a spokesperson for the Royal Society for Public Health.

“We hope that this new labelling system will help people understand if they’re going to end up being a bit of an arsehole or a complete dribbling catastrophic arsehole.”

Britain has seen a huge rise in drunken arseholes in town centres since the removal of licensing restrictions and there have long been calls to address the situation.

“Oh God yeah, I’ve got admit, I can be a right arsehole,” said Sally Brown, a PA from Brighton.

“I mean, I only go out to be a bit of an arsehole, you know, have a bit of a sing to a Westlife song or something.

“But then before I know what happened, its midnight and I’ve admitted to voting UKIP and tried to get off with the sofa.”

What isn’t always appreciated is how much being a drunken arsehole can transcend class and age.

“Oh Good Lord, yes. I can be quite the arsehole,” said Lord Harrington of Ostley.

“I mean, when I was ambassador to Russia, get a bottle of the good vodka inside me and I’d often offer Putin out for a fist fight.”

Although broadly welcomed, there is criticism that it that the labelling system does nothing to tackle those who don’t need to be drunk to be an arsehole.

“Well, that’s for the City of London and Parliament to address,” said Mr Hammond.

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