Friday 24 October 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Office Arsehole season to begin in earnest


Office arsehole season

With Halloween just around the corner, followed by Movember, Children in Need and Christmas, the Office Arsehole’s busiest period of the year is about to begin.

“I ruddy love it,” said Simon Williams, a lifelong Office Arsehole.

“I’ve already got a light-up singing plastic pumpkin plugged into my USB port – It’s hilarious”.

“On actual Halloween, I’m going to come in a cape and fangs and pretend to bite people for 50p a bite. It’s a bit of fun, and more importantly, it raises money for charity.”

All across the country, Office Arseholes are preparing costumes, pinning up hand-made posters in cafeterias and wiping gravy stains off Snowman ties.

“Movember is my favourite,” said Stephen Rowe, an Office Arsehole from Walsall.

“Everyone looks a bit like Hitler except, you know, a happy sort of Hitler. I try and post a Twitter update of my ‘Mo’ every hour.’

“I have six followers.”

Office arseholes

An often overlooked statistic that 1 in 10 Office arseholes are actually women.

“Well I always wear a false moustache in Movember,” said Erica Paul from Sussex.

“People think I’m a bit mad and that but I just think; ‘whatever’.”

“Then you’ve got Children in need so I dress up as Pudsey and that. I mean; Pudsey? In a false moustache? What am I like!”

We had also hoped to speak to an Office Arsehole who was planning to wear musical novelty socks that played the Magnum theme, Do the Monster Mash or White Christmas with every step.

But he was found beaten to death in a stationary cupboard.

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