Friday 10 October 2014

Everyone racist


UKIP MP for Clacton Douglas Carswell

The person sat next to you probably thinks you should go back where you came from, it emerged this morning.

As UKIP earned its first official member of parliament in Douglas Carswell, it became ever more obvious that wearing a suit before being a bit racist is an excellent political tactic.

UKIP voter Simon Williams told us, “I’m not racist, I just think that foreigners are dirty scrounging scumbags who should be put on a boat back to wherever they came from.”

“Even if they came on a plane.  Planes are expensive.”

“And UKIP isn’t a racist organisation, it just believes that foreigners are dirty scrounging scumbags who should be put on a boat back to wherever they came from.”

“They really resonated with me on that point for some reason.”

Fellow UKIP voter Sharon Jones told us, “Same is good. Different is bad. You are different so you must go away.”

“If you didn’t grow up in my house then you’re not from around here and need to go back to Bongo Bongo land. Definitely.”

“A nice man in a suit came to my door and told me that, so it must be true.”

UKIP MP for Clacton

Political experts have said the rise in the UKIP vote shows that normal people are basically shitty human beings paralysed by fear from being incessantly told that immigrants are dirty scrounging scumbags.

Analyst Charles Worth explained, “If you’ve ever been cut up on the roads by someone brown, served badly in a restaurant by someone with a foreign accent, or been looked at funny by someone in a strange looking head dress, then you’re ripe for UKIP conversion.”

“Just remember that you’re very, very, wrong.”

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