Wednesday 8 October 2014 by Gary Stanton

Ebola virus warned of huge NHS waiting lists


Ebola NHS waiting times

The deadly Ebola virus will have to cope with lengthy waiting times if it wants to infect anybody in the UK, say NHS chiefs.

Medics have told the virus that the strain placed on the Health Service by native viruses, such as MRSA, means it’ll just have to get in a queue.

Ebola virus, Simon Williams, said, “It’s an absolute disgrace. When I was on holiday in Spain, I was able to see a nurse and cause advanced haemorrhagic fever within minutes. None of this waiting around.”

‘I must have multiplied a thousand times since I’ve been here. Typical bloody NHS!”

“I mean – what do you pay your taxes for? That’s a rhetorical question by the way.”

Fellow Ebola virus, Kwasi Ndogo, said, “It’s a joke man. I’ve been sat on this poorly-sterilised trolley for four hours only to be told that a Clostridium Difficile bug got there before me.”

“I was in a hospital in Slough yesterday and it was absolutely filthy. And bear in mind I’m from Sierra Leone. It’s the small country next to Mali.”

“As a linear, non-segmented strand of RNA that’s not covalently linked to a protein, I expect better than this.”

Ebola outrage

Meanwhile, British bugs insist they’re fed up with foreign viruses jumping the queue.

“They’ve got a great PR machine and people are scared of them,” said C Diff bacterium Brian Johnson.

“Between you and me – I’m much better at giving someone the shits.”

“That is – assuming I’m not treated swiftly with 500mg of Metranidazole, taken twice daily.”

UKIP running-joke, Nigel Farage, said, “When it comes to making people ill, priority should be given to indigenous viruses, preferably white ones.”

“Not those horrible little coloured ones you see under electron microscopes.”

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