Friday 3 October 2014 by Neil Tollfree

Tories find Human Rights Act loophole by reclassifying poor as ‘sub-human’


Human Rights loophole

The inconvenience of the Human Rights Act could become a thing of the past for the Conservatives after party officials announced plans to reclassify poor people as a ‘sub-human species’.

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling said if the Tories win the next election, a new sub-human classification would give UK courts and Parliament the “final say” in matters affecting poor people.

Grayling told reporters, “The Human Rights Act has been a thorn in our side for years, but fortunately it only applies to actual proper humans.”

“Now, it’s not like we think poor people are lizards or anything, but they’re certainly not what we’d call proper human beings.”

“I’d say they’re some sort of human/vermin hybrid.”

Human Rights Act

Attempts to reclassify the poor have been at the heart of the Tory party since as far back as the late 70s when Norman Tebbit gave his famous speech entitled “Poor People? God, they’re awful aren’t they.”

There was concern at Tory HQ that going public with the ‘poor person plan’ might affect Conservative election chances, but these concerns so far seem unfounded.

“No, I don’t really mind if David Cameron considers me less than human,” said Simon Williams from Bracknell, a lifelong Tory voter.

“I’ll definitely still vote Tory, I mean, it’s all about Europe isn’t it?”

Early polls show that policies as culling benefit claimants, making low-paid workers dance for their betters, and replacing park benches with spikes, are all playing well with the Tory heartland.

The only high-profile Tory to express concern was Theresa May, saying, “Look, I don’t particularly care whether we call them human beings, lizard men or dirty meat-sacks, it just means changing all sorts of legal documents which is an awful lot of work for me.”

Ed Miliband was quick to respond saying “That’s terrible, we here at the Labour party consider all ordinary people to be human beings – well, unless they vote UKIP.”

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