Tuesday 30 September 2014

Microsoft unveils new way for PCs to make you cry


Windows 10 unveiled

The latest version of Microsoft’s flagship product, Windows 10, was released today introducing millions of PC users to unprecedented levels of tear-inducing frustration.

There are a great many changes to the operating system, which has already been described by one analyst as “the cherry on the top of the steaming turd that was Windows 8”.

As with all eagerly anticipated previous Microsoft releases, early adopters are expected to be reaching for the vodka and Valium by mid-morning tomorrow.

Those users who installed the beta release – and are not currently sectioned in a mental health facility for their own safety – have been keen to share their experiences.

“I swear to God this machine is possessed by the Devil himself,” said one Windows 10 beta user.

“The black hole of despair engulfing my soul gets bigger with each and every fucking update it forces me to install.”

“It does have one nice feature though – if you have a busy desktop, you can click on an unresponsive window, pick up and shake your monitor, and then drop if from an open window, which makes all of the pain go away. I liked that.”

Microsoft have been bullish about the anticipated reception of Windows 10, and have taken steps to ensure the release goes smoothly.

“They said after the release of Windows 8.1 that we couldn’t polish a turd,” said on Windows 10 programmer.

“Well, we’ve not only polished it, we’ve given it a sequined jumpsuit, stuck a cocktail umbrella in the top and taught it some show tunes – it really is something else.”

Microsoft help desks the world over are preparing for record number of callers who will downloaded the technical preview later this week.

As spokesperson explained, “In preparation for the launch we have teams of specially trained grief counsellors ready and waiting for the inevitable deluge of weeping customers.”

“We expect that by Thursday morning we’ll have the first bawling callers who just want to ‘connect to the fucking internet’.”

“By Friday we’re expecting our first Windows 10 Business users to be crying to us over their inability to ‘just print this goddam shitting email out’.”

“We’ve worked tirelessly to introduce a series of automated Help facilities which on the surface appear to be working for you, but in reality are just driving you ever further from a solution and closer to the point where you will want to kill everything within twenty feet of you.”

“It’s going to be a fun week!”

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