Friday 26 September 2014

Tesco to fix everything by selling 250 limited edition cans of beans for £1m each


Tesco profit warnings

Retailing giant Tesco is to address a £250m hole in its profit forecast by releasing 250 £1m limited edition cans of beans.

Just days after an investigation was launched to identify the cause of the £250m hole, executives have announced a cunning plan to fill the gap.

The limited edition cans will come with a certificate of authenticity, which Tesco believe will appeal to collectors of this sort of thing.

Tesco retail strategist Simon Williams told us, “The guys at the top told us we needed to make some big money, and quick – and what better way than through people who collect ‘art’?”

“I’m surprised we’ve not thought of this sooner to be honest.  Why spend all our efforts trying to make a couple of quid from working class poor people, when we could be trying to make a million from rich idiots?”

“Our limited edition beans carry just enough exclusivity to make the desirable, and they’re expensive enough that anyone owning one will have the ability to brag about it.”

“Sure, it might seem like a desperate move to cover the arses of our senior executives from the outside, but I think you’ve failed to fully appreciate just how stupid some rich people actually are.”

“Yes, I am expecting my full bonus this year, definitely.”

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