Monday 22 September 2014 by Gary Stanton

God admits serious doubts over the Archbishop of Canterbury


God is seriously wondering if Archbishop Justin Welby is the right man for the job this morning.

The all-seeing omnipotent deity has admitted for the first time that Welby’s CV was probably the weakest of all the candidates, but that he performed well during the interview process.

“I was working in mysterious ways yesterday when I suddenly get bombarded with all these prayers from the Archbishop asking me why I don’t do more miracles and stuff,“ God told us.

“The universe is a pretty big place and at the time I was revealing myself to a group of children on an Italian hillside in the form of a vision.”

“Like all the men I created in my own image, I’ve never been good with multi-tasking.”

“Syria, Ukraine, England winning the World Cup. I get bombarded with this shit on a regular basis.”

The deity also admitted that he is less than impressed with Welby’s views on homosexual love.

“Think about it for a second. Why would a supremely intelligent being, such as yours truly, be all that bothered about where you shove your cock?”

“All I ask is that, if you’re going to do it, show some consideration for your partner in the form of a water-based lubricant.”

“It’s my job to look down on people, if you get my drift.”

“I love you all equally. Even Noel Edmonds.”

“Seriously though. If Welby is starting to doubt me, what is everybody else supposed to think? Maybe he’d be better off running a hetero-only B&B in Cornwall.”

God has doubts

God is now reviewing Welby’s role and has not ruled out replacing the Archbishop with a younger man or woman.

“I’m not saying when it’ll happen, but a man of his age should take care when going for a jog.”

God concluded, “I’d have preferred the Reverend Richard Coles because he was in The Communards – and he’s on Twitter.”

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