Thursday 11 September 2014

Independent Scotland will be a lot like Mad Max, claim RBS


RBS will leave an independent Scotland after economists predicted a Mad Max style post-apocalyptic wasteland dominated by the small amount of oil still up for grabs.

The bank said a move to London was likely in order to prevent itself succumbing to the braying hoards seeking a way to survive in the wilderness that what will then be known merely as ‘Scotland’.

A spokesperson for RBS explained, “It’s important for our shareholders that we look for ways to protect their investment, and for that reason an independent Scotland falls down the list of preferred headquarter locations, just behind Somalia and Zimbabwe.”

“We imagine an independent Scotland will be a desolate place, even more so than now, where North Sea Oil is the only currency, and a currency which rival gangs, such as the SNP, fight bitterly to control.”

“Think Mad Max, but with much shittier weather.”

“No, we’ve no idea what Alex Salmond looks like in leather – but it’s probably quite horrific.”

“And yes, we know London is essentially full of wankers, but we’re bankers so we’ll fit right in.”

RBS to move to London

Independence campaign leader Alex Salmond said that RBS would want to stay in Edinburgh after independence, because his mandate from the people of Scotland will ‘make it so’.

He told reporters, “RBS saying they’ll leave Scotland is nothing but scare-mongering by people who don’t realise I want to get my own way in this matter.”

“With the will of the Scottish people behind me I will be able to convince them to stay. Definitely.”

“Or we’ll just build a big fence around the office in St Andrews square and lock them in until they agree to stay.”

“I’m happy with either approach.”

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