Friday 22 August 2014

Liverpool to replace mentally unstable forward with mentally unstable forward


Mario Balotelli for Liverpool

Liverpool football club are to replace mentally unstable Luis Suarez with equally deranged Mario Balotelli, according to reports this morning.

With the potential signing of the ‘interesting’ Italian set to complete in the coming days, fans have been reassured that the mere mention of the name of the club’s main centre-forward will forever have them wondering ‘Oh God what has he done now’.

A club spokesperson explained, “Whether it’s biting their opponents or setting off fireworks inside their house, the role of a Liverpool forward is about more than just scoring goals.”

“Our fans want to know that their leading marksman could implode at any moment. They expect it.”

“I think that’s why Andy Carrol didn’t work out – because getting drunk and fighting just doesn’t cut it at the top level these days.”

“We considered Radamel Falcao, obviously, but apparently the wildest thing he ever did was fill a Panini sticker album with stickers of himself.”

“That would never make the back pages, and our fans simply won’t accept that.”

“Mario is our man and we can’t wait to see what he does first.”

“We might not be able to guarantee the on-pitch performances of Luis Suarez, but we can guarantee an adequate replacement in terms of column inches.”

Balotelli for Liverpool

Fans have reacted with excitement at the news, with season ticket holder Simon Williams explaining that Balotelli is exactly what Liverpool needs.

He told us, “I heard his medical involved a not only a full physical examination, but an inspection and lengthy demonstration of his collection of throwing knives.”

“Plus, I’m a part-time fireman so I could do with the overtime he’ll undoubtedly bring me.”

“I think I love him already.”

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