Tuesday 12 August 2014 by Gary Stanton

UN diverts aid convoys to ‘penniless’ Mark Simmonds MP


Mark Simmonds MP

The UN has diverted aid convoys bound for Northern Iraq in a bid to save ‘destitute’ Foreign Office Minister Mark Simmonds.

Simmonds has been forced to eke out a meagre existence on a ‘paltry’ 90K per annum plus expenses, which is barely enough to keep his family in pheasant.

And the 43 year-old Tory insists that unless the world heeds his cry for help, he and other MPs face the horror of living outside London and catching a train in with ordinary peasant scum.

Simmonds blames ‘intolerable’ expenses rules for forcing him to choose between his family and a two-week holiday in Tuscany every three months.

The minister has received backing from Iraqi Kurds who insist they are getting more than enough aid and have clubbed together to allow Simmonds to live in the style he is accustomed to.

Kurd Ali Ashrami said, “We’re all in this together.”

Simmonds resigns

Simmonds, meanwhile, is showing the classic signs of malnutrition such as the trademark distended belly which was popularised in Ethiopia circa 1985.

Last night UN helicopters were seen circling Westminster, dropping essential supplies of Evian, foie gras and Fortnum & Masons hampers.

UN spokesman Simon Williams said, “A Fortnum and Masons hamper can keep a family of Tories alive for anything up to twelve hours. Please just donate what you can.”

However, last night a furious Simmonds reacted angrily to the air-drop, describing the supplies as piecemeal and knee-jerk.

“Some of this pate has started to go off,” he told us.

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