Wednesday 6 August 2014 by Gary Stanton

David Moyes sectioned after Manchester plane bomb attempt


Embittered former Man United boss, David Moyes, has been sectioned after trying to fly a bomb-laden plane into Old Trafford.

Moyes was travelling back from a football-research trip to Qatar when it is understood he had too much to drink and began muttering obscenities under his breath.

Fellow passengers became concerned when Moyes then launched into an open foul-mouthed tirade about how he was going to ‘make those Manc bastards pay’.

The currently unemployed 52 year-old became further enraged when a stewardess urged him to calm down, remarking ‘Don’t you think the people of Manchester have suffered enough?’

Moyes was later found to be carrying a mature haggis packed with nitroglycerine, which somehow evaded airport security.

Experts suggested the Scot may have smuggled the crude device in his rectal cavity and are surprised the haggis didn’t go off.

The authorities have meanwhile condemned the stunt and say it could usher in a bleak new era of obligatory rectal searches at all major airports, and Birmingham International.

Holidaymakers are now being advised to turn up at their departure gates up to four hours early with some lube and relaxing music, preferably pan-pipes.

Pundit Alan Hansen said, “This has gotta be the stupidest thing Moyes has done since writing a cheque for Marouane Fellaini.”

“Had he succeeded it would have set Van Gaal’s plans back several years and would have given Stretford a much-needed makeover.”

For security reasons, police are releasing few details about the incident but later confirmed that they have detained a heavily sunburnt man from the Glasgow area.

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