Friday 1 August 2014

UK DNA research to focus on getting you drunk more easily


DNA research in the UK

DNA researchers in the UK are to take a leading role in genetically ensuring value for money when it comes to consuming alcohol, according to reports today.

A massive new research project is taking place at centres across the UK to isolate the gene that will allow you to get drunk for under a fiver.

Scientists say the scale of the project is unprecedented, and will see the UK become a centre for pisshead excellence for years to come.

Lead researcher Simon Williams explained, “Alcohol is here to stay, that much we know for definite, but as prices and duty keep rising it’s becoming ever more difficult for any discerning member of the public to afford a proper session.”

“At the current rate, getting absolutely hammered is likely to become the preserve of the rich and famous within twenty years. Unless we do something about it.”

“Our aim is to use gene therapy to make total inebriation a realistic objective for all citizens, regardless of the depth of their pockets.”

“Within ten years we could see people getting off their heads from a pint of Fosters, such is the power of genetic engineering.”

UK DNA project underway

Critics of the programme have said that although lowering alcohol tolerance is a noble cause, perhaps there are other priorities in the field of DNA research.  A claim Williams strongly refutes.

“Look, we have to go where the interest is – and right now most British people would take a cheap night out ahead of a cure for cancer.”

“Sorry.”

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