Tuesday 22 July 2014 by Gary Stanton

Cameron urges worldwide boycott of Russian dolls


Russian doll boycott

Prime Minister David Cameron, in response to Russia’s latest fascist groove thang, is calling on nations to stop purchasing Russian dolls, which get progressively smaller as you open them up.

By targeting the £500 billion global market in dolls that fit snugly inside each other, widely regarded as Putin’ achilles heel, the PM is hoping to bring the Russian economy to its knees.

The news will be greeted with despair by Russian oligarchs, such as Roman Abramovich, who have amassed fortunes through the lucrative trade in ornamental porcelain that seeks to both dazzle and amaze.

“Every household in Britain owns one of these dolls, which they’ve probably picked up in a side street off Red Square or on a thrill-packed nordic cruise to St Petersburg.”

“You can even buy them in vaguely ethnic craft shops, ” insisted Cameron.

“Of course, it’s not just one doll but a whole series of dolls which, much like the Coalition, seem to go on forever. That’s the enigma!”

Russian boycott urged

Putin’s regime, meanwhile, has scoffed at the West’s latest attempt to grow a functioning set of gonads.

“Our doll technicians have been working round the clock on a new and exciting range of dolls, the smallest of which are only a few nanometres across,” said Russian Foreign Minister, Victor Korchnoi.

“In spite of them being a bastard to open, we are certain discerning visitors to our glorious motherland will be unable to resist their subatomic charms.”

Cameron, however, is to push ahead undaunted and, in a move likely to enrage the Kremlin, has invited the surviving members of Pussy Riot to perform an acoustic set on the Downing Street lawn.

“I’m sure there’s a joke to be found somewhere about screwing four cute Russian dolls together, but perhaps not while we’re all still being investigated for paedophilia eh?” he sighed.

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