Wednesday 9 July 2014 by Roy Bland

Blow to ‘Yes’ campaign as Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi decrees Scotland part of caliphate


Scottish caliphate

The campaign for an independent Scotland has suffered a major setback with news that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has decreed that an independent Scotland will be his caliphate’s northern extremity.

al Baghdadi has already proclaimed a ‘caliphate’ straddling Syria and Iraq, and sees Scotland as the perfect addition to his region.

The leader of the Islamic State jihadist group, who is believed to have once performed on the Edinburgh festival comedy fringe narrowly losing the Perrier Award to Al Murray, said he ‘looked forward to uniting with my brothers in arms and skirts and full beards’.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is said to be hopeful of recruiting Glaswegians as useful suicide bombers “as the brothers have little to live for anyway and are already drinking themselves into an early grave and may as well do it for Allah”.

“This haggis and bagpipe nation of infidels, will be overcome,” he said.

Scottish caliphate

Meanwhile Scotland First Minister Alex Salmond said if anyone should be a caliph it was he, and an independent Scotland ‘will fight to the last breath to resist Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s army’ – although conceding that a diet of deep-fried Mars bars and lager wasn’t ideal fodder for the Tartan Army to march on.

“But we mustn’t lose our heads,” he said.

“By September Sharia Law will be the law north of the border and the black flag of the caliphate will fly over Edinburgh Castle,” said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who is believed to be partial to a dram of Johnny Walker Black Label.

“We brothers are better together,” he concluded.

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