Tuesday 1 July 2014 by Adam Southward

Putting your entire life on Facebook ‘not compulsory’, finds study


Millions of Facebook users were shocked today at the publication of a new legal investigation which revealed that publishing everything you ever do on the social network isn’t ‘compulsory’.

The investigation found that streaming significant life events, relationship problems, heartfelt wishes, deepest desires, career plans plus an assortment of meaningless ill-informed drivel about your children and what they had for dinner last night was not actually compulsory, or required by UK law.

“It came as a shock to most of us at the firm,” said Senior Solicitor Frank Smith of Bird and Bird, who conducted the investigation.

“But when we looked at the full UK case law and statute we found no references to mandatory posting of your life onto any social media website.”

“It would appear that UK citizens have full freedom of choice about where they publish their narcissistic compulsions.”

Facebook study

The investigation was prompted by allegations that Facebook had conducted unethical emotion studies by manipulating user news-feeds.

“We looked at the Facebook emotion study and thought it was outrageous, basically the same as the NHS experimenting with babies or the mentally ill.”

“After further research we discovered that it wasn’t quite the same.”

“After even more research we concluded that our outrage might have been misplaced, because Facebook is actually a US profit-making company that doesn’t force you to register with them.”

Sarah, a nineteen-year-old Facebook user from Southampton said “I’m not quite sure what this study means, I only read the first sentence because my friend shared it.”

“I added a few comments about big brother and state surveillance but then there was really cool video about a cat and an alligator so I lost interest.”

“I was feeling really happy at that point though.”

George Orwell was unavailable for comment, but apparently could be heard turning in his grave and laughing as the study was ‘liked’ across the country.

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