Tuesday 24 June 2014 by Gary Stanton

Steven Gerrard to become a hipster


Gerrard to become hipster

England captain, Steven Gerrard, has announced his desire to quit international football and embrace the hipster lifestyle.

The jaded skipper appeared at yesterday’s press conference sporting a confident beard, which, according to sources, he has every intention of cultivating.

Like many of his tribe Gerrard, 33, already owns a flat in a fashionable area of East London, which he plans to convert into a “creative workspace” for poets, thinkers and anyone with well-off parents.

Idly fingering a copy of The Catcher In The Rye, Gerrard told reporters, “At the end of the day you are judged on results, but it is better to fail and be original than to succeed in imitation.”

“This is a really exciting time as there are lots of creative people around, if you ignore the problems we have in midfield.”

“Only the other day, for example, I found a discarded bicycle wheel and turned into a sculpture.”

“I know I’ll get slated in the press but one of the greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you.”

“You’ll notice that I’m not wearing any socks.”

Gerrard becomes hipster

The Liverpool talisman later confirmed he has part-exchanged his Lamborghini for a second-hand ice cream van and is hoping to market a variety of artisan sorbets.

“Wasn’t it Melville who said ‘No one has ever made himself look great by showing how small someone else is’? Although it’s hard not to when you’re being marked by Phil Jagielka,” he admitted.

Gerrard, meanwhile, conceded that he was at fault for both of Uruguay’s goals but maintained that ‘sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.’

He added, “The lads know we haven’t performed and we’re hurting right now, but you can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.”

“As I discovered in that Southport nightclub a few years back.”

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