Monday 23 June 2014 by Gary Stanton

England World Cup bid to be made into disaster movie


England’s doomed World Cup campaign is to get the Roland Emmerich treatment, according to experts.

The film, which has the working title of “2014”, is being billed by optimists as the ‘biggest pile of shit since Independence Day’.

In his latest outing, director Emmerich charts the story of how plucky England boss Roy Hodgson, played by Roy Hodgson, overcomes a speech impediment to lead his country to a humiliating group stage exit.

And like many of Emmerich’s other offerings, it features no less than eleven abysmal performances.

The tone is set early on when Roy Hodgson’s experimental 4-2-3-1 formation runs into trouble when an asteroid strike fails to accommodate Leighton Baines.

Things take a dramatic turn for the worse when England captain, Steven Gerard, is attacked by a ninety-metre anaconda after it fails to recognise his accent.

Luckily, Gerard emerges from the encounter with nothing worse than with strained ligaments after a Phil Neville commentary manages to put the beast to sleep.

England disaster movie

Critic Mark Kermode said, “Essentially, ‘2014’ is a meditation on how a country of sixty million people can fail to produce a half-decent full back.”

“Roland was a natural choice of director as, like much of the England squad, he hasn’t a fucking clue what he is doing.”

“In one memorable scene, set in a burning rainforest, when a tour guide asks players not to feed the monkey, Hodgson replies that Andros Townsend never made the trip.”

“Eagle-eyed film buffs will enjoy the cameo  by Nigel Farage who plays a cunt obsessed with foreigners.”

Emmerich said, “I thought of including this great scene where the England physio is badly injured after tripping over a bottle of water.”

“But people aren’t stupid.”

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