Friday 6 June 2014 by Gary Stanton

Newark by-election won by The Slender Man


Slender Man by-election

The Newark by election has been won by a skinny, shadowy right-winger known only as The Slender Man.

Slender Man, who was standing for the Conservatives, polled 17,431 votes after the other candidates were all found to have died in mysterious circumstances.

While the record-low turnout may be attributable to bad weather, many voters complained of a rapid onset of paranoia, nightmares and delusions accompanied by nosebleeds.

Although little is known about The Slender Man, he wears dark clothes and has a pale face, which makes him hugely popular with the voters of Newark.

On a night on which the bloated corpse of UKIP’s Roger Helmer was pulled from a river, the Lib Dems saw their share of the vote plummet to just 2.6 percent.

Slender Man election victory

Although The Slender Man denies having anything to do with Helmer’s murder, police say the immigrant-bashing 70 year-old exhibited injuries consistent with being choked to death by a tentacle.

After thanking voters for their support, the elusive figure pledged to further the cause of evil and promised to look long and hard at proposals for a zebra crossing where Market Street joins the A543.

Newark resident, Simon Williams, claims he first read about The Slender Man on Internet site CreepyPasta, while looking up a recipe for Crab Linguine.

“We’ve had more than our fair share of “faceless” politicians around here, but this guy is just taking the piss,” he told us.

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