Thursday 5 June 2014

Public ‘supports’ change to assisted suicide laws for the terminally stupid


Terminally Stupid

New research has shown that there is overwhelming support amongst the public to allow assisted suicide in cases where people are considered terminally stupid.

Current laws make it illegal to assist in the death of a complete moron, but many claim that their quality of life is such that assisted suicide should be a realistic option for them all.

Non-moron Simon Williams told us, “Being terminally stupid is hard not only on you, but also incredibly hard on those around you – I don’t see why we should be legally punished for helping these people shuffle of this mortal coil.”

“I’ve known terminally stupid people who have struggled on for years with an incredibly low quality of life.”

“I know that behind that vacant smile they’re actually in pain. Pain that could go away with a swift swing of an axe, or something.”

“I’m just saying that it is wrong to criminalising the act of putting a moron out of their misery.”

“It’s just another form of kindness, really.”

“Of course, we’d need solid evidence of their terminal stupidity – something like a history of voting on Britain’s Got Talent, for example.”

Assisted suicide

Borderline simpleton Shane Matthews explained that the change of rules ‘sounds pretty wicked’.

He explained, “Does this mean that I get more rights? I hear that’s a good thing, yeah?”

“If I get you right, and I’m sure I do, this means I can ask for help doing something and people will be forced to help me do it?”

“Look, this sounds important, but is it going to take much longer because I’ve got to get home before Jeremy Kyle starts.”

“I still can’t work out how to record it.”

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