Thursday 29 May 2014 by Adam Southward

NHS should be ‘National Herbalist Service’ claims Prince Charles


Prince Charles on NHS

The NHS is headed for a radical re-branding after a new plan was proposed by Prince Charles last month, in which treatments will ignore ‘evidence based’ methods.

The ‘H’ will now stand for Herbalist, and the current evidence-based medical approach will be scrapped in favour of an anecdote-based approach to healthcare.

“I think we’re doing the right thing,” says Catherine Smith, Medical Director at NHS England.

“It’s not like anybody believes in evidence these days anyway. Evidence is hard, expensive and involves real science. Who on earth can afford to pursue that these days? I think Charles is spot on.”

NHS Trusts across the UK are now trialling the anecdote-based approach, including the maternity ward at Chichester Central Hospital.

“We’ve replaced epidurals with gluten-free pasta and extract of Ginkgo,” said one senior midwife, “after my mum said her friend’s sister ate it during her labour.”

“She only took three hours to deliver, so we’re pretty confident it works.”

“In some cases we’re supplementing it with superfruits,” shouted one of the trainee midwives over the screams of her patient.

“We ordered in three metric tonnes of blueberries and are giving a handful every hour, on the hour to each expectant mum.”

Prince Charles on NHS

“It’s too early to tell if the new approach will deliver the outcomes we need for a healthier britain,” said actual medical doctor Dr Simon Williams.

“But at least it means I can prescribe vitamin C and Echinacea for pretty much everything now. It cuts my clinic hours by a third.”

“Did you know Aloe Vera can cure Herpes?,” he continues, “I didn’t, but apparently somebody in South America once had Herpes, and bought some Aloe Vera, and now doesn’t have Herpes.”

“That’s exactly the sort of research we need and it’s certainly encouraging.”

The medical ethics community have been encouraged to drink green tea before making any determinations on the proposals.

“We are a little unsure on the effects of a carb-free diet laced with Thyme and Deadly Nightshade on advanced cancer victims,” said Ethicist Aaron Skinner.

“But under the new guidelines it doesn’t really matter. As long as we can demonstrate we drink plenty of hot drinks containing antioxidants our reputation stays intact.”

UKIP MP Ginelli Moranco supported the move, saying, “it’s about time we stood up to this foreign evidence-based approach, which apparently came from Greece in the first place.”

“Plus modern medicine has yet to find a cure for homosexuality, which apparently can be treated with a small dose of fennel tea. Fennel tea I tell you!”

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