Tuesday 27 May 2014 by Gary Stanton

UKIP manifesto to be used in DIY faecal transplants


UKIP faecal transplant

UKIP’s manifesto may be of some benefit to patients suffering chronic bowel conditions, according to experts.

The glossy fifty page “Plan for Government” may provide an alternative source of “good” bacteria after rigorous scientific analysis found it contained nothing but pure shit.

Clostridium Difficile sufferer, Simon Williams, had given up on conventional medical treatments and was close to death after his local hospital refused him a faecal transplant on the grounds that it stank.

But Williams was thrown a shitty lifeline when a UKIP election pamphlet appeared one morning through his letterbox.

“I read little bits of their manifesto, especially the section that detailed how all of the country’s problems are the fault of swan-eating rapists from Eastern Europe,” Williams explained.

“I thought “Hang on a minute – this is absolute fucking horseshit and, therefore, a vital weapon in my ongoing battle with C. Diff.”

UKIP manifesto finally of value

Williams took the brave decision to put the leaflet into a blender where it formed a brown sludgy mess of bankrupt arguments and shitty falsehoods.

“My wife gathered up their tired brown lies into a syringe and deftly managed to squirt the entire racist culture up my arsehole,” he added.

“The effect was instantaneous,” Williams beamed.

“Within thirty minutes the sickening xenophobic hogwash was swirling around my system in a cesspool of its own making.”

“The homosexual C. Diff bacteria was entirely eradicated and my stomach cramps finally began to ease.”

However, sadly for Williams, there was a downside to the revolutionary colo-rectal treatment.

“Now that I’ve shredded all of UKIP’s election guff, I’ve got nothing left to wipe my arse on.”

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