Thursday 1 May 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Jose Mourinho targets summer signing of ‘Bendy Bus’


Chelsea to sign bendy bus

Following his side’s Champions League exit, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has confirmed he will use the bulk of his summer transfer kitty on the signing of a bendy-bus.

The Portuguese, renowned for turning glamour ties into the footballing equivalent of Jackie Stallone, is certain club owner Roman Abramovich will fund his latest big money move in the transfer market.

At a post-match press-conference, the former Real Madrid chief cited his current squad’s inability to leave television viewers sufficiently bored to consider turning over to the Snooker World Championship.

“For sure, we will be looking to bring in a more effective mode of turning the English public’s favourite form of sporting entertainment into the choice of masochists,” he told assembled journalists.

“I’m looking for a big no.37, to support the other 11 players we will leave dropped deep directly behind it at all times.”

‘We look to the future, and what better way than to sign the boredom enhancing bendy-bus?’

‘They already ruined the morning rush hour for millions of London’s workers, so why not let one ruin their enjoyment of football as well?’

Mourinho to sign bendy bus

Bendy Bus manufacturer, Arriva, warned any attempted signing may see the London outfit facing allegations of an illegal approach.

“The entirety of our fleet are already under contract and it would take a substantial offer for us to even come to the negotiating table.”

“Wait, what? Gazprom? Barrels of oil in huge brown paper envelopes?”

“Where does he sign? That’s certainly better than a season ticket at Stamford Bridge.”

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