Tuesday 29 April 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Prison population queuing up to be Max Clifford’s first ‘kiss and tell’


max clifford guilty

As Max Clifford was found guilty of indecent assault, members of the British prison population have excitedly declared their interest in becoming the first ‘kiss-and-tell’ of the publicist’s impending incarceration.

Clifford, who single handedly turned talentless morons and guilty parties into household names, is due to be sentenced for his crimes on Friday.

Convicted armed robber, Frank Murphy expressed his elation at the prospect of exchanging a manly fumble at Her Majesty’s behest for a huge paycheck under the guise of ‘news’.

“Mr Clifford says he has nothing to hide – and if the rumours about the size of his penis are anything to go by – he would appear to be telling the truth,” he told us.

“The thought of him bedding down for the evening beneath a cheap nylon blanket on a rock hard pillow doesn’t just fill the general public with a warm feeling – that extends to us cons too.”

“To think that for the kind of invasion of privacy that he sought to exploit through his media interests could now be replicated by a troupe of hulking criminals for a large pot of honestly earned money, well.”

“Let’s just say there are lots of fags being exchanged for vaseline as we speak.”

Max Clifford guilty

A lawyer for Mr Clifford declared his client as ambivalent to a spell behind bars.

“Releasing a kiss-and-tell involving himself would however be uncharted territory.”

“What?”

“Oh no – he’s never done a ‘fist-and-tell’ before.”

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