Friday 11 April 2014 by Gary Stanton

John Terry to test drive lab-grown vaginas


John Terry Synthetic vagina tester

Former England captain and occasional racist John Terry has claimed he should have ‘first go’ on pioneering synthetic minges, it has emerged.

The vaginas, which originate from stem cells, have been implanted into a ‘control group’ of four US women who have little or no knowledge of the English Premier League.

Terry, meanwhile, has promised each of the women a tour of Chelsea’s training facilities followed by dinner at a ‘classy’ West End restaurant.

Initial studies have been positive with normal levels of lubrication and arousal reported when the subjects listened to Barry White’s ‘Can’t Get Enough’.

However the Chelsea talisman was initially reluctant to take part in the first bouts of coitus after discovering that none of the women were in an existing relationship.

A pilot study has already taken place, although Terry was later reprimanded after bringing three team-mates and a camcorder into the laboratory.

John Terry to test vaginas

Vagina recipient Many Winters said, “John was the perfect gentleman, if a perfect gentleman is defined as someone who frequently resorts to coarse and abusive language in order to maintain an erection.”

A second recipient, Simone Williams, has since received treatment for PTSD after a five-second exposure to Terry’s ‘happy face’.

Dr Anthony Atala, director of the Institute for Regenerative Medicine told us, “All appears to be well with our initial tests, though results indicate that John has given these vaginas quite a hammering.”

“The only real trouble we’ve had is telling the cunts apart.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: