Wednesday 9 April 2014 by Nathan Hobbs

UK GDP boost mainly from drugs and hookers


Sex and drugs

The UK’s finances saw a boost this week when the government announced it would be including income from prostitution and drugs trade in future forecasts.

With IMF forecasts predicting high levels of growth for the UK, treasury officials have said including the nation’s favourite pastimes has been a helpful boost to economic performance.

An unnamed government source told us, “This is the biggest boost to the economy since we included the income from everyone’s PPI payout – which they subsequently blew two hours later on a deposit for a new BMW.”

He continued “We will continue to look for other sources of income that we may have missed off of the GDP forecast.”

“For example, we are now including in the personal savings figures an average of £8 per UK household to allow for the amount of money people have left down the back of their sofa.”

This revised calculation follows government news that everyone has had a huge pay rise as they are now counting the money your employer is deducting from your wages for the new compulsory pension as “income”, despite the fact you’ll never see any of it again.

The source concluded,  “This time next year, you’ll all be millionaires! Well, on our paper you will be.”

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