Friday 4 April 2014 by Gary Stanton

Alcoholics to celebrate liver transplant verdict with massive piss-up


Liver transplants alcoholics

A new ruling that allows heavy drinkers to receive liver transplants is cause for a big celebration, according to piss-heads everywhere.

The decision by the NHS’s blood and transplant service (NHSBT), which comes too late for some, has already been dubbed George’s Law.

George’s Law will allow alkies to queue-jump over the sober, as they are generally more interesting and can supply a greater number of drink-fuelled anecdotes.

Although drink is responsible for a 20% increase in mortality due to having a ruined liver, it can make you significantly better at football.

The patients that the doctors are looking to treat in the pilot scheme must be relatively young – between 18 and 40 – and be reasonably entertaining.

Liver transplant reform

While the NHSBT’s medical director James Neuberger is acutely aware of the sensitivities surrounding the issue, the organisation’s official stance is that ‘everyone likes a drink.’

“We’ve been overwhelmed by drinkers since the announcement,” Neuberger told us.

“Sometimes it’s three-deep in here. Especially on a Friday.”

The NHSBT’s London clinic is proposing a Happy Hour where those brought back from the brink of death can test-drive their new livers with free shots of Jaegermeister between the 6pm and 7pm.

But Neuberger insists that you won’t get served a new liver any quicker by waving a tenner around.

“Public confidence is what is at stake here,” Neuberger added.

“So let me propose a toast – to public confidence!”

“Public confidence!!!”

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