Wednesday 2 April 2014 by Gary Stanton

Saharan dust storm ‘best excuse yet’ for a sickie


Saharan dust sickie

The Saharan dust storm laying waste to southern Britain has overtaken ‘dicky tummy’ as the nation’s favourite excuse to phone in sick.

The air pollution reached maximum level at around 7 am today, timed to coincide exactly with the rush hour.

People have been warned to stay indoors, especially the vulnerable – such as asthmatics or office workers in the 18 – 65 age bracket.

A 10 point scale has been devised to measure the pollution, with 1 or 2 representing mild attacks of nausea and 9 or 10 meaning “definitely not going into work”.

Levels across much of England are expected to reach 12 before lunchtime today.

Air quality suffering

The air mass sweeping in from Africa has brought a number of additional hazards you don’t even want to think about, according to commuters everywhere.

In Dunstable, people reported engines clogged with Saharan dust, while an outbreak of camels on the M25 is likely to lead to serious tailbacks.

Meanwhile in Guildford, a foolhardy youth who ignored advice not to travel received a fatal bite from a rattlesnake.

Scientists have conceded that the severe weather pattern is most likely the result of southerly winds and God’s displeasure at the increasing popularity of anal intercourse.

Met Office hunk Tomasz Schafernaker said:

“The dust is coming down so heavily it’ll take you at least half a day to clean all the shit off an Audi.”

‘’Even simple tasks like walking across a room to fill up a printer could prove to be potentially fatal.”

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