Sunday 30 March 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Christians busy consulting Bible for next basic human right to oppose


After the first night of legal Gay marriage ceremonies in England and Wales, Christians are today desperately leafing through the Bible to identify another basic human right to rail against.

Followers of the faith who have long opposed the right of homosexual couples to commit themselves to a life of petty bickering and sex-withholding, now find themselves with little to do, concerned that the devil himself finds work for idle hands.

Sheila Mount, a Catholic from Shropshire, was adamant she would waste little time in filling the vacuum by finding new ways to persecute the remainder of God’s orphans.

“I mean, two people, in love, getting married – the thought turns my stomach,” she told us.

“I have spent the last 20 years trying to find something in the Bible that categorically states God is firmly against Gay marriage and turned up nothing concrete.”

“All I could ever find was that Jesus was once kissed by a man called Judas – but look what happened to him afterwards?”

“To now have to start all over looking for something new to spout hatred about, well – it’s just so time-consuming.”

“That said, Deuteronomy 22:9 is pretty clear on what God thinks of farming, so I’ve spent the morning protesting farmers who insist on planting two different crops next to each other.”

“The disgusting animals.”

Gay marriage made legal

Gay rights campaigner, Peter Tatchell, was happy to offer Christians some guidance in helping them isolate the next section of society to treat like market traders in the Temple.

“It’s clear that the Bible is being abused as a kind of Yellow Pages for people too thick to find a worthy axe to grind.”

“So why not do a reprint in gaudy yellow pages, with an index of noble causes yet to be persecuted?”

“I’m sure it’d be a nice little money spinner.”

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