Tuesday 25 March 2014 by Gary Stanton

Russian troops storm Crimean Laser Quest


Crimean laser quest

Russian troops have seized control of a Crimean Laser Quest facility at Feodosia, the third such attack in 48 hours, marking a dangerous escalation in the conflict.

The attack took place in total darkness with additional hazards such as dry ice and some guy who thinks he’s in Saving Private Ryan.

Russian forces brandishing hand-held infrared units were engaged in a tense standoff with Ukrainian soldiers determined to defend their “base” no matter what the cost in human lives.

After barging their way past the admissions desk without paying, Russian units erected a statue of Lenin in the Briefing Room – a clear provocation.

The West, meanwhile, is studying reports that Russian forces neglected the Player’s Code, which includes a vow not to run, climb, jump, sit, kneel or use the blunt end of the “rifle” to beat someone unconscious.

Vladimir Putin has insisted that the strategically important Laser Quest has always been part of Russia and that Ukranian forces were ‘taking it all far too seriously’.

Pro-Kiev units were later forced to surrender after clocking up fewer ‘tags’, but have accused the Russians of cheating by strapping duct tape across their sensors.

Crimean escalation

President Obama spoke of the incident, telling reporters at the White House, “The use of duct tape in Laser Quest is in clear breach of the Geneva Convention and, if proven, will result in “costs”.”

Although Obama refused to specify what these “costs” might be, they may include William Hague breaking out his angry letter-writing pen.

With the annexation of Crimea’s last remaining Laser Quest now complete, local youths are left with few remaining recreational options other than listening to poor quality Iron Maiden bootlegs.

And in a further ratcheting up of tension, Putin last night ordered twenty thousand ground troops to surround a ten-pin bowling alley in Donetsk.

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