Wednesday 12 March 2014 by Gary Stanton

Scientists claim new microscope powerful enough to see George Osborne’s heart


George Osborne heart

The UK has earmark £165m to join a project to build a ‘super-microscope’ in Sweden, in the hope of finally gathering evidence than George Osborne has a heart.

Science minister David Willetts said that he wants the UK to be at the forefront of some of the world’s leading scientific projects, and showing that his Chancellor is actually human is very much part of that effort.

Willetts told reporters, “We are committed to the unending human quest for knowledge, and part of that is investing in technologies such as this microscope and the obvious political goodwill it could bring us.”

“I would be lying if I didn’t say that a device that could actually see and capture an image of George Osborne’s heart would be of benefit in the run up to the next election, but that’s not our main concern.”

“But if it works, expect to see the photo in our campaign literature.”

New super-microscope

Though the investment has been welcomed by the scientific community, many feel the funds could have been better spent.

Scientist Simon Williams told us, “£165m is a lot of money. So why spend it in the continuing search for something most people don’t believe even exists?”

“All available evidence points to his heart’s absence from our universe – so why keep looking? We can’t prove a negative.”

“Surely the best way to spend scientific funding is investing in searching for things where a theoretical existence is at least supported by some in the community?”

“That said, if the new microscope is as powerful as they say it is, I suppose it could even be used to find Simon Cowell’s sense of shame or Katie Price’s artistic merit.”

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