Tuesday 4 March 2014

Netflix to start making recommendations based on whether you have company


Netflix recommendations

Netflix’s complex recommendation engine will now be able to determine if someone is sat next to you, presenting only publicly acceptable shows and movies instead of the dross you normally watch.

With artificial intelligence and highly involved algorithms usually responsible for telling you that you should watch another episode of Gossip Girls, the new change will ensure you are presented with suggestions to be proud of.

Netflix user Simon Williams told us, “Just because I watched an episode or seven of Gossip Girl in the privacy of my own home, doesn’t mean I want anyone to know about it.”

“So sitting in front of the television with someone you’re trying to impress had previously made Netflix a no-go area.”

“There’s only so many times you can blame ‘Continue watching Gossip Girls?’ on your nephew using your account.”

“I’d much rather they thought I’d been watching Breaking Bad or House of Cards, and the new ‘I have company’ feature makes that so much easier to deal with.”

“By default now Netflix thinks I’ve got someone with me, and they’ll only show critically acclaimed shows that reflect well on me, until I tell it that I’m alone and it can go back to showing me Gossip Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

Netflix changes

Netflix executives have said the new feature will put an end to people being embarrassed by the fact they are essentially taste-free sheep willing to watch any old shit.

As one marketing executive explained, “We like to think of your true Netflix recommendations like an Internet browsing history – best kept between you and your computer.”

“From now on we’ll only show you recommendations that will make you look good to anyone sat next to you.”

“Right until the point you tell us you’re alone again, in which case we’ll pick your usual drivel exactly where you left off.”

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