Monday 17 February 2014

Nick Clegg sends headshot, CV and OK Cupid profile to all party leaders


Nick Clegg dating again

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has sent his CV and a flattering headshot to most major party leaders in the UK, asking if they are looking for someone with no shame whatsoever to run errands for them.

With one eye on the next election, the previously monogamous Clegg has said that maybe it’s time for them to see other people.

He told Westminster reporters, “I’m very happy in my existing relationship, I just think there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if this is all you’ll ever have?”

“I don’t do very well on my own, so I definitely need someone in my life.”

“I’m a fun guy looking for a partner who I can spend the next years with. Someone who understands me, respects me, and wants to make me happy.”

“I like long walks in the country, but I’m as happy curled up on the sofa with a good DVD and a bottle of wine as I am out and about in wellies.”

“Hopefully my advert will generate some interest around Westminster and we can see how we get on.”

Clegg keeping options open

Relationship experts have claimed that Clegg will find it hard to find a more suitable mate, considering his obvious emotional issues.

Couples therapist Margery Williams told us, “He is clearly a submissive who likes to be dominated. He’s forever smiling despite spending his days effectively peering out from under David Cameron’s shoe.”

“He will need an equally dominant partner if he’s going to be emotionally satisfied. And I just can’t see him getting that from Ed Miliband.”

“If he could keep the sick out of his mouth long enough I’m pretty sure he could get it from Nigel Farage, though.”

“Dear Jesus, what a horrible picture I’ve just painted myself.”

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