Friday 24 January 2014 by P Laithwaite

Man with world’s slowest Internet connection dies at 70%


Man with slow internet dies at 70%

A man who was found dead in his study earlier today, hunched over a laptop, was believed to have been irreversibly hypnotised by a constant spinning wheel on the screen in front of him.

The death is the latest in a series of fatalities in which victims said they would ‘literally die my Internet is so slow’.

A spokesman for the police who found the victim said, “It’s hard to say how long he has been that way but the man doesn’t appear to have eaten anything for a number of days.”

A concerned relative who hadn’t seen the man for “a long time” said “I can normally tell what he’s up to by his entertaining posts in the ‘book of faeces’ but all we’ve had lately is adverts and candy crush.”

Slow broadband

Experts have said that something needs to be done about broadband speed in rural areas to avert further tragedy.

“It’s tragic that he never got to see what he was waiting for,” Said the distraught friend who found the body, telling reporters, via email, that at the time the loading bar was at around 80%.

“It’s the 21st century and we are still stuck with this archaic method of communication.”

The woman, who had recently failed in a bid to persuade dragons to consider investing in a scheme to knock holes in private dwellings and replacing them with swinging bits of wood also said “he was in the prime of his life with many years ahead of him.”

“Probably even enough time to get some car insurance, nobody should have their dreams taken away like that.”

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