Wednesday 22 January 2014 by Gary Stanton

Big fat octopus denies molesting variety of sea fauna


Octopus molestation accusations

An overweight octopus that bears no resemblance whatsoever to any living Lib Dem peers has vigorously denied suggestions that he groped fellow sea-life.

When not stuffing his face, octopus “Lord Simon Williams”, 42, sits on an influential panel of cephalopods where he oversees important rulings about tidal boundaries and shit.

Williams, however, was recently dismissed after a number of sea creatures came forward claiming he had ‘felt them up’ using one or more of his tentacles.

Sea anemone, Penny Bloom, 15, claims that Williams floated up behind her and wrapped several tentacles around her midriff as she was attaching herself to some driftwood.

Bloom said, “It was disgusting. He was all over me like, well, an octopus.”

Williams maintains that the incident never took place and that the tentacles in question had been amputated some years ago due to his failure to manage early-onset diabetes.

Bloom was especially upset considering she had recently filmed a wildlife series for the BBC and emerged from it with her hymen intact.

Molestation accusations

Bloom is not alone, however. Female haddock, Anita Marchant, insists that Williams recently squirted ink at her as she bent over a filing cabinet crafted out of mollusc shells.

“He was whispering stuff in my ear like: ‘If it’s good enough for dolphins then it’s good enough for you. You dirty cow,” said Marchant.

“He’s an animal – albeit a marine one with eight legs.”

The North Sea’s internal investigation, led by senior porpoise Alistair Webster QC, concluded the claims could not be proved beyond reasonable trout.

Last night Williams’ boss, a giant squid called Nick told us, “Williams believes he’s the victim in all of this, but in truth he hasn’t handled the situation particularly well.”

“Which is surprising when you think about it.”

Bloom, though, is adamant that she will pursue her own private prosecution against Williams, but will have to wait until the tide comes back in.

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