In an emotional statement today, the Earth’s closest star and provider of 99.9 percent of the solar system’s energy has come out as homosexual, infuriating Russian President Vladimir Putin.
The announcement ends hundreds of years of speculation by scientists and planets close to the giant burning ball of thermonuclear gas.
Choosing a light-hearted article in Cosmopolitan to announce the news, the Sun spoke of the enormous strain of constantly giving life to everything and not being able to watch ‘Strictly’ without Jupiter and Neptune making off-hand remarks.
The Earth is reportedly overjoyed, saying “Come on, am I the only one who thought the brightest object in 4.2 million light years might not be straight?”
The sun is planning to boycott the Sochi Olympics, infuriating Russia’s president, who has threatened a total ban on the sun and any mention of the star in communications throughout Russia.
Putin brushed aside the news in a television interview by claiming that Alpha Centauri has always been Russia’s preferred star owing to its traditional values and manly interstellar orbit.
When quizzed by worried reporters on the possibility of plummeting temperatures and a total absence of natural light the Kremlin said that it has enough gas and enriched uranium to keep Putin running for the next 500 years.
Diplomats have ruled out military action, pointing out that the sun has around 10 billion times the amount of nuclear fuel that Russia has in it’s stockpiles.
Sun comes out
Scientists have said the announcement fits with much of what is already known about the Sun.
As one explained, “It’s no coincidence that the visual spectrum is a rainbow. Gay light has been around for hundreds of years.”
“Also, ‘slightly camp sun spots’ have been observed since the time of Gallileo, and our sun has a tendency for neatness that isn’t observed in other stars.”
Before concluding that, “responsible sunbathing in gay rays may help improve dress sense, but otherwise there is no change in the stars ability to warm the entire solar system from afar.”