Saturday 18 January 2014

UKIP councillor urges everyone to end floods by behaving like they’re in Ibiza


UKIP councillor blames floods on homosexuality

UKIP councillor David Silvester has insisted we should all behave like the hedonistic visitors to Ibiza – an island treated to year-round sunshine and zero God-induced meteorological events.

Silvester told his local newspaper that after reviewing weather forecasts and his copy of the Bible, he is now sure that the only way to secure the country’s meteorological stability is for everyone to start behaving like the thousands of holiday-makers on the Mediterranean island.

He wrote, “As I look around at a nation decimated by flooding, I can only look to the Bible for guidance and the reasons why God is trying to drown us.”

“And then I look to Ibiza and I can only conclude that they must be doing something right in they eyes of God.”

“We are being punished in the UK for our inappropriate ways, and as such we should look to emulate an island blessed with a temperate climate, blue skies, clear seas and most important of all, zero floods.”

“By punishing the UK with destructive flooding, whilst throwing nothing but sunshine and good times at Ibiza, God is clearly sending a message to us – be more like the Ibizans.”

UKIP flood warning

The UKIP advice is a major departure for Silvester, who normally adheres to strict Biblical teachings on such things as homosexual and modesty.

However, Silvester said he would do whatever God commands, no matter how unusual His instructions might be.

He went on, “I have studied the God-favoured behaviour on Ibiza and have been listening to loud club anthems and getting off my tits since yesterday evening, and apart from what appears to be a serious case of tinnitus, I feel great and blessed by God’s glory.”

“Did you know that drug taking and casual sex in the UK doesn’t even come close to rivalling that seen on Ibiza? It is things like this that are clearly making God very angry indeed.”

“Like every good Christian knows, the weather is absolutely definitely the best way to judge God’s happiness with us.”

“As such, I call on all UK citizens to engage in more casual sex, gay and straight, and to indulge in as many mind-altering chemicals as they can lay your hands on.”

“We’ll all be sunbathing by Wednesday.”

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