Monday 13 January 2014 by Gary Stanton

New horror film guidelines to outlaw Iain Duncan Smith masturbating with crucifix


IDS Horror classification

The British Board of Film Classification is to more closely scrutinise horror movies for scenes in which Iain Duncan Smith pleasures himself with a crucifix.

The Work and Pensions Secretary is well-known to masturbate using religious symbols with such frequency that many within the Conservative Party believe it is only a matter of time before somebody tries to make a film about it.

Concerns were raised after controversial director Lars von Trier revealed he had consulted heavily with Duncan Smith over his forthcoming release entitled “Heartless Coalition Basterds” – a philosophical enquiry into the nature of evil.

“I asked Iain to masturbate with a crucifix from three different angles, and he was very obliging,” von Trier told us.

“The camera really loves that guy.  The cameramen, not so much.”

BBFC rules on Duncan-Smith

BBFC director Simon Williams said, “We had to axe that scene, plus another three hours of material including a bit where Duncan Smith tries to dry-hump George Osborne while dressed as a goat.”

Williams added, “In one particularly harrowing sequence a group of rational people dressed in corduroy try to explain to IDS the devastating effect his cuts are having on the weak and vulnerable.”

“We left that bit in because there’s no visible on-screen penetration.”

The BBFC consultation showed the sexualisation of young conservatives in film and party political broadcasts to be a major concern.

Other amendments to the organisation’s guidelines include tightening up of language in U certificate films, after a scene in Happy Feet 2 in which lead penguin Mumble complains that he’s ‘freezing his fucking bollocks off.’

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